What follows are some thoughts about the past few days… I want to keep track of some of these thoughts yet do not yet want to turn any of these into a longer essay. My thought-life the past few days has been richer than it has been in awhile, for which I am so grateful. A little brainstorm…

…handwritten letters to people we love…

…numerous rounds of nausea for each of my kiddos…in the crib, in the bed, in the middle of the night, down the front and back of my college t-shirt, twice on favorite blankets…

…twists of fate…

…the scent of bright fireplaces on a cold night…

…turning the other cheek, crying through the night at the less glorious parts of human nature and unanswerable whys, waking up to little hands and eyes recentering my world…

…a fun visit with Mrs. G (our homeschool ES), who described her preparations for Christmas and her eight Christmas trees, which I have been imagining ever since…

…blasting Taylor Swift… “You, with your words like knives/And swords and your weapons that you use against me/…Well you can take me down with a single blow/But you don’t know what you don’t know…” And then suddenly seeing myself from outside myself and laughing… Those moments in life when you can zoom out and see yourself in the context of the Whole are always so illuminating…

…A rich inner thought-life about the possibility and struggle for true unconditional love, not only toward those for whom it is easy to feel such love (husband, family, children, friends-like-family) but also toward those for whom it is not easy to muster it… Will this ideal elude us all? Perhaps it has to elude us, and we have to realize that it does, in order to grow into people who know how equally flawed we all are…

…Pumpkin ice cream with a bit of chocolate drizzle over it…

…”Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that, even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” Thank you Mr. Kurt Vonnegut…

…My mom coming over to help with my two ill little people yesterday afternoon…

…Not judging…compassion…remembering always to ask, “What burdens does this person have that I know nothing of?”…

…Remembering that all actions and reactions have ripples…A favorite thought from C.S. Lewis: we only ever get to know our part of the story, and we’re never told the whole of someone else’s story… We may question our role in her story, or she might question her role in ours; when it comes to the end, we only know the part we were given and what we chose to play out on our end. Did we take whatever ripples there were and try to use them for the good? Did we try to continue the goodness, or did we shut down? Can we take something negative that happened to us and turn it into a goodness that benefits someone other than ourselves?

…Friends from all ages and places in life who make my life richer through philosophy and discussion…

…News about babies in my friends’ lives…

…Singing, cuddling, and giving thanks for and with my children every night…

…Joking with my husband…

…A husband who reminds me never to let the negative into my world…

…Two days in pajamas/relaxing clothes and orange juice and nowhere to be and no pressure to produce and Sesame Street marathons…a much needed break…an unusual heaven…

My apologies for disordered thoughts…I have not slept much the past couple of nights, for various reasons. Yet  I am up too late because I have words in me aching to burst out. These words here begin to appease the flurry within…but you know how words are: demanding little things until your hands give them life. It always feels to me that my words write themselves and my hands merely deliver them, almost like the words put themselves together at some place deep within me and then want to leap out from my center. There are some thoughts in this “rough draft” blog that I might later change into a more private poem of sorts…

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